Swingers

You know that scene in Swingers w/ the ex-girlfriend finally calls and he just blows her off because he wants to talk to the new girl instead? Yeah, just had one of those.

Part of me

And it’s all those words that you can say or should say that always get stuck in your throat that come back to haunt you. All those jumbled thoughts that you can never quite put together into a sensible phrase.

Those maybes that you let get away.

So what is it now? Is it the unknown that may be getting away that’s getting to you? The thought that everyone is at the party and you’re missing out? The thought that life is passing you by as you just blankly stare trying to figure out which way its going? Are you risking everything to get back everything you had before? Is that everything that you had before really worth more than the everything you think you want now?

Maybe its worth a shot. A shot in the dark. The shot that you really don’t know where its going or where its even coming from for that matter. Its those things that you’re not trained to want that have a way of looming just behind you, shadowing your every move, taunting you with their possibility until the day comes when they finally overwhelm you without ever really touching you. Ever. And then you start wondering...

And you think to yourself: “I should’ve done it when I had the chance”. Of course quickly you realize that the opportunity is long gone, nowhere to be found. Its like that perfect day, where you have nothing planned, you go with the flow, and you would have missed the greatest day of your life if you had just stopped to think about it.

The best things in my life have been those that I haven’t included in my life management plan, they’re not part of my agenda, and they’re not squeezed in between work and appointments to the doctor’s or rungs on the corporate ladder. It’s those fleeting moments that stay with me, those lingering cups of coffee, when you don’t want the conversation to end, but know that one more minute will render the encounter mundane.

Most people that we run into in our self-absorbed world are just that, an everyday, nothing special, not much to remember deal. It’s those few that come in under that guise that leave an unmistakable mark. Those that come in and shake you to your very core. Challenging all you thought you believed and making you question all you had just finished engraving in that stone. But do you always realize the mark people are leaving in you, or does everyone leave something behind, or is it that some are just more flashy than the others?

What about those things that you pick up? Do you attribute that to someone in particular? What about those that you can’t really trace? Can you really sit down and take every piece of you and send out the proper thank you note to each person?

Thank you, you ruined my life, as I knew it.
Thank you, you picked up the pieces.
Thank you, you made me laugh
Thank you, you introduced me to music
Thank you, you are part of me

In one moment...

In the heat of the argument I uttered the name. In anger, in frustration, and it was at that moment that I realized, that single moment defined the past three years of my life. Unrecognizable,perhaps. Unrelated, certainly. That single moment, reminded me of the anger and frustration of not being heard, not being understood and the mockery of the relationship that I tried so hard to keep. And as my hand clamped over my mouth at the realization, it also brought back to mind the flood of memories filled with secrecy that defined the relationship. I was never happy. And as I walked away, I was filled with relief in knowing that it was all left behind me.

Coming Home

I know where I want to be...so why am I still here.

I've already spent so much time trying to find everything I already had. The irony is not lost on me, the fact that the one thing that I thought was keeping me down was actually the one thing that was making me keep it together.

What is it thats stopping me from taking that step? Is it because it seems like a step backwards. In fact, is it really that? Is it because of all the things that I set out to accomplish, I never really did one thing? Does that mean I've failed?

But I've been out on my own. I've seen what the world has to offer...and truth be told its really not much. So I can continue trying to look past what is so obviously there, so much so that its blocking my view, or I can finally just come home.